‘Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don’t believe is right.’
Jane Goodall
A few weeks ago, I was invited to a dinner party where I didn’t know many people. I became a memorable evening with lots of new insights and a lot of fun.
I sat next to someone who listened to me sharing my perspectives on sustainability and what I believe business should do to reduce carbon emissions. We also touched on the role of mining. I noticed that he became a bit tense and defensive. It turned out that he has been working in mining for decades and was currently working on his PhD. Topic: Mining for water on the moon.
My first thought: Oh, this will be an interesting conversation as I am assuming that we are strongly disagreeing on the process of mining. He looked at me and said, “You don’t like the mining industry, do you?”. I took a deep breath and said to him that with the current state of the earth, we should not do any additional mining and think more about how to transition to practices that are more in harmony with our planet. Ways of working and production that are not destroying landscapes, climate and communities. And most importantly…why would we want to mine on the moon as long as we haven’t been able to properly take care of our current home. He became more defensive.
I let him know that I’m coming to this conversation with an open mind and really want to learn from him. Especially, I am curious about why he believes that mining the moon is a good idea, what he likes about it, what motivates him to invest all his time and effort into this project, what he has learned so far and where he can already see some risks. He relaxed a bit and started sharing.
We talked for a long time that evening. I also shared with him some of the risks I can see from sources that are beyond the normal scientifically proven route, the role of the moon in different cultures and the connection to land from an Indigenous perspective. He listened quietly. Overall, we managed to establish a learning opportunity for both of us and the conversation was friendly and respectful. I actually enjoyed it a lot – even though the content was very challenging for both of us.
At the end of the dinner, I had a much better understanding of his motivations and some other interesting facts. I am not sure what exactly he has taken away from our conversation. I should have asked him. We agreed to disagree, and I left inspired to further these types of conversations. You never know where you can plant a seed for a new idea to sprout a bit later.
Some things to consider for your next conversation when you disagree:
Breath: Manage your breathing (this manages your nerves and clarity in your brain)
Safe Space: Make it safe to share – share your intention openly and don’t play political games
Boundaries: Define some boundaries for the content (we focused on the moon and not all of mining)
Curiosity: Approach the conversation with curiosity – ask open ended questions and ask for clarification when needed. Don’t assume anything.
Compassion: Remember that everyone always does the best they can with the resources they have available at that point in time.
Focus: Stay on the content topic and do not focus on the person. In case, you can’t stand the behaviour of the other person, it might be worthwhile making this a topic for another conversation. Mixing the two topics is not very effective.
Closure: Find a proper ending for the conversation. Either agree a next step or agree to still disagree and be ok with that for that moment in time.
You can find more on this topic in my book in chapter 4 (Communication: Get to know each other) in the ‘How to influence your stakeholders’ part.
What are your thoughts and tips on how to better listen when you disagree? Please share with us.
Naturally yours,
Ingrid